It's just me

My tree has been murdered by cats and children. It's leg is broken and I am having a problem figuring out a solution for it to stay standing. My daughter, that choked me a year ago and recently punched me in the face and appears to have stabbed me with scissors, was released to my mom's house by the courts. I get to have supervised visits with her so we can continue family therapy and she can see her siblings. I am afraid of her and what she might do to me. I have concerns and worries that she will gravely injure me and let me die so she can post a selfie. I am an emotional wreak. I have been taking my meds sporadically. This stuff with my kid makes me upset, angry, disappointed, hurt, lonely and all the feels. I am upset that she feels this is ok behavior. I am angry that I didn't want to hurt her and just tried to keep her down and I got hurt. I am disappointed in myself for not fighting back. It was just like the dreams I have of being in a fight and my punches seem t...

I had a crappy day. My cat appears to have a hernia that will need surgical repair. I just need to spend money I don't have to get a diagnosis so that the humane society will repair the hernia caused by the spay. My child has decided to skip school all this week, on top of the multiple days missed each week for the last few weeks. When I try to talk to her about the consequences that she is looking at, I get informed that we aren't supposed to do family counseling any longer since I will not acknowledge her ultimatum style demands. She will be working on coming to terms with and accepting the loss of her mother and her love in her individual therapy. I cried and yelled maybe even screamed out of frustration during family therapy today. I admitted I am afraid of my daughter and that I have not taken the time to process the feelings I have from being attacked by my daughter. My mom cried during family therapy today. She knew that it would upset me to hear that we are ending f...

Mage had an email conversation with me today. It started out innocent enough asking if his dad had seen the kids this weekend. His dad did see the kids and they all seemed to have had a good time. It got pretty serious real quick. I feel bad for being post of the source of this pain and sadness he is experiencing. Another part of me is "fuck him. Why do you care? He didn't give a shit when he left you virtually stranded and alone because 'it was his duty' to be with Drunky mcCrazypants". I told Mage that his kids are still looking for attention and love from their father. He said "their father is broken". I said I was sorry and I know how that feels. I was so emotionally destroyed and depressed that I hospitalized myself. Mage has apologized many times for me going to the hospital. He didn't care at the time though. I tried to talk to him about it at the time and got blown off. It was very hurtful and I still haven't fully dealt with all the hu...

For years I have had the thought that I would be with Mage forever. I still wonder if that is possible. I had plans on how to set up a house when we finally bought one. I had pictured how the family would look, hanging out with the dog or dogs,  spending time together in the evenings. I had imagined holidays with the growing family. I had imagined these things because they were not happening. Very seldom would we do things as a family. It was only recently that he decided that getting a dog would be ok. Holidays and birthdays are still barely participated in. I have quit doing things that make me feel happy and at peace with the world, because Mage would not go with. Going swimming with the children was a challenge because Mage would not go in the water. I had to watch all the children and never got to swim myself. I just got to wade in the shallows. What hurt the most and still hurts is that my daughter had been asking him to go camping with us for years. He never went with u...

I made sure to torch the bridge with Mage. I didn't scorch it or just cause a light char. It appears to be completely burned to ash that is washing or has washed away in the emotional current. On Thursday I sent Mage a message about the dentist appointment for our 3 year old and also shared a video of our daughter trying food for the first time. His response was just "thanks". Friday I had sent an email saying we need to split the phone bill, figure out what is going on with the Netflix and Amazon subscriptions, and figure out transportation for the boys weekends with him. He gave a response of go ahead and use Netflix and he didn't know what to do with the rest of it. Early on Saturday morning he sent me two texts. The first saying "just don't message me anymore", The second was sent 3 hours later and said "Realizing this comes across as rude, am just saying it hurts too much right now". I responded to the email asking how he wanted to be ...

I am mostly ok today. I was contacted by my significant other (supposedly) yesterday telling me that he had to reschedule dinner with his 5 year old child and his father, that is visiting from out of state, to this evening. He asked if he could be dropped off at my place afterwards and if I could get him to the bus stop Thursday morning. I got frustrated and asked if his dad was going to do a one on one meal with all the grandchildren and also stated that going to that bus stop had only worked once. I got yelled at because this was the only way the 5 year old would be able to see his grandfather since the child's mother had been refusing visitation again , and there just wasn't time to get a court date for a custody/visitation hearing before the grandfather left. Nevermind that there have been problems with visitation on and off for 4 years and it was recommended to deal with it years ago and throughout the last 4 years. I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend ...

I was really frustrated with the world today. I had specifically said what i wanted help with to Mage if he came over. He asked if we could do the things this morning instead and have a lazy evening last night. The things still are not competed. I was trying to get myself, the baby, a 2 year old and a 9 year old ready. Mage played Diablo while I got everyone else ready. Diapers changed, sunscreen applied, dressed and shoes on. We left the house extra late to hit up the grocery store before the scout activity, that Mage didn't realize he was supposed to go to, and tried to find a picnic style food to bring. While at the grocery store Mage took the cart with the baby and the 2 year old but he told the 2 year old to go to me. Mage did not make sure the 2 year old made it to me and the 2 year old actually took off into the store alone. I had 10 minutes to get food together and get on the road to the scout activity.  Ended up wasting time having to locate the 2 year old. While at the...

Had a couple/family therapy session tonight. I realized some things I have been avoiding acknowledging for a very long time. I also realized that when I make myself emotionally vulnerable, my body decides it is a good time to stall out and become vulnerable to physical attacks. I realized that I have made choices that have kept me in this mire of depression and self-loathing. I knew I did it, but I verbally acknowledged it to other people. This was a huge thing in my thought process of how to get out of this deplorable funk. I know that if I start to address these choices and change my behavior, that I will lose the relationship that I have cultivated with the choices.  I know that I will need to reintroduce myself to the world and hope that the people that I have pushed away, choosing this relationship, are willing to give me another chance. I know that I, quite possibly, will need to meet new people to help create a network of support people. Looking at changing these things i...