Future, future what do you have in mind?

For years I have had the thought that I would be with Mage forever. I still wonder if that is possible.

I had plans on how to set up a house when we finally bought one. I had pictured how the family would look, hanging out with the dog or dogs,  spending time together in the evenings. I had imagined holidays with the growing family.

I had imagined these things because they were not happening. Very seldom would we do things as a family. It was only recently that he decided that getting a dog would be ok. Holidays and birthdays are still barely participated in.

I have quit doing things that make me feel happy and at peace with the world, because Mage would not go with.

Going swimming with the children was a challenge because Mage would not go in the water. I had to watch all the children and never got to swim myself. I just got to wade in the shallows.

What hurt the most and still hurts is that my daughter had been asking him to go camping with us for years. He never went with us. He called on my birthday in 2009 to talk to the kids since he had been camping, with the woman he had been cheating on me with and her children, and had been out of range to talk to them earlier. He says he went with because it made her happy. Doing that to make me and our children happy didn't seem important. He still has not gone with us.

I have continued to do the traditions I have made with the children, whether or not Mage participated. Recently Mage thanked me for having these traditions with the kids and inviting him along. I include him because he is family and these are family events.

I am working towards purchasing a home by myself. I hope I am able to move forward into the future not being haunted by the whimsy of the past.