Being vulnerable to the max

Had a couple/family therapy session tonight. I realized some things I have been avoiding acknowledging for a very long time. I also realized that when I make myself emotionally vulnerable, my body decides it is a good time to stall out and become vulnerable to physical attacks.

I realized that I have made choices that have kept me in this mire of depression and self-loathing. I knew I did it, but I verbally acknowledged it to other people. This was a huge thing in my thought process of how to get out of this deplorable funk.

I know that if I start to address these choices and change my behavior, that I will lose the relationship that I have cultivated with the choices.  I know that I will need to reintroduce myself to the world and hope that the people that I have pushed away, choosing this relationship, are willing to give me another chance. I know that I, quite possibly, will need to meet new people to help create a network of support people.

Looking at changing these things is a daunting task.  I am very afraid and anxious about being alone in general, not having other adults to communicate with. I am worried I will over share with my children because I have no one else to talk to. I am worried that if I put these changes off until after the baby is born or after the baby sleeps through the night or whatever arbitrary future event, I will never start.

I am anxious about taking that first step.