I'm sorry, sort of

Mage had an email conversation with me today. It started out innocent enough asking if his dad had seen the kids this weekend. His dad did see the kids and they all seemed to have had a good time.

It got pretty serious real quick. I feel bad for being post of the source of this pain and sadness he is experiencing. Another part of me is "fuck him. Why do you care? He didn't give a shit when he left you virtually stranded and alone because 'it was his duty' to be with Drunky mcCrazypants". I told Mage that his kids are still looking for attention and love from their father. He said "their father is broken". I said I was sorry and I know how that feels.

I was so emotionally destroyed and depressed that I hospitalized myself. Mage has apologized many times for me going to the hospital. He didn't care at the time though. I tried to talk to him about it at the time and got blown off. It was very hurtful and I still haven't fully dealt with all the hurt from that time. I still cry when I think about it. I might be able to deal with it better if Drunky wasn't constantly part of the picture. Every week it is something else about her and it stirs up my emotions about trust, faithfulness, honesty, integrity, family first and love.

I get told I have loved you since the first time we met. I am incredulous about that statement because actions speak louder than words. If I was so loved, why does it appear that it was easy to have another relationship for over a year while still being involved with me. I tried to move on. I went on a date. I had sex with someone else once and it felt wrong, so I didn't continue the courtship.

I have so many emotions attached to this I have a hard time figuring out which strand to pull from the knot to start addressing. I know I would function better if I got this stuff addressed and move on. However, the easy route would be to keep myself busy with work and kids so I can just ignore it until 3am when it attacks my sleeping brain and brings on short bouts of insomnia. Work is so much better than real life.

I love Mage. I don't think there will be any way for the relationship to recover from this. I think I have twisted the knife pretty bad this time and it's bleeding out. I sort of thought that poem about if you love something, let it go would apply. I think it was wishful thinking.