It's just me

Mage had an email conversation with me today. It started out innocent enough asking if his dad had seen the kids this weekend. His dad did see the kids and they all seemed to have had a good time. It got pretty serious real quick. I feel bad for being post of the source of this pain and sadness he is experiencing. Another part of me is "fuck him. Why do you care? He didn't give a shit when he left you virtually stranded and alone because 'it was his duty' to be with Drunky mcCrazypants". I told Mage that his kids are still looking for attention and love from their father. He said "their father is broken". I said I was sorry and I know how that feels. I was so emotionally destroyed and depressed that I hospitalized myself. Mage has apologized many times for me going to the hospital. He didn't care at the time though. I tried to talk to him about it at the time and got blown off. It was very hurtful and I still haven't fully dealt with all the hu...

For years I have had the thought that I would be with Mage forever. I still wonder if that is possible. I had plans on how to set up a house when we finally bought one. I had pictured how the family would look, hanging out with the dog or dogs,  spending time together in the evenings. I had imagined holidays with the growing family. I had imagined these things because they were not happening. Very seldom would we do things as a family. It was only recently that he decided that getting a dog would be ok. Holidays and birthdays are still barely participated in. I have quit doing things that make me feel happy and at peace with the world, because Mage would not go with. Going swimming with the children was a challenge because Mage would not go in the water. I had to watch all the children and never got to swim myself. I just got to wade in the shallows. What hurt the most and still hurts is that my daughter had been asking him to go camping with us for years. He never went with u...

I made sure to torch the bridge with Mage. I didn't scorch it or just cause a light char. It appears to be completely burned to ash that is washing or has washed away in the emotional current. On Thursday I sent Mage a message about the dentist appointment for our 3 year old and also shared a video of our daughter trying food for the first time. His response was just "thanks". Friday I had sent an email saying we need to split the phone bill, figure out what is going on with the Netflix and Amazon subscriptions, and figure out transportation for the boys weekends with him. He gave a response of go ahead and use Netflix and he didn't know what to do with the rest of it. Early on Saturday morning he sent me two texts. The first saying "just don't message me anymore", The second was sent 3 hours later and said "Realizing this comes across as rude, am just saying it hurts too much right now". I responded to the email asking how he wanted to be ...

I am mostly ok today. I was contacted by my significant other (supposedly) yesterday telling me that he had to reschedule dinner with his 5 year old child and his father, that is visiting from out of state, to this evening. He asked if he could be dropped off at my place afterwards and if I could get him to the bus stop Thursday morning. I got frustrated and asked if his dad was going to do a one on one meal with all the grandchildren and also stated that going to that bus stop had only worked once. I got yelled at because this was the only way the 5 year old would be able to see his grandfather since the child's mother had been refusing visitation again , and there just wasn't time to get a court date for a custody/visitation hearing before the grandfather left. Nevermind that there have been problems with visitation on and off for 4 years and it was recommended to deal with it years ago and throughout the last 4 years. I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend ...