Out, out with it!

My tree has been murdered by cats and children. It's leg is broken and I am having a problem figuring out a solution for it to stay standing.

My daughter, that choked me a year ago and recently punched me in the face and appears to have stabbed me with scissors, was released to my mom's house by the courts. I get to have supervised visits with her so we can continue family therapy and she can see her siblings. I am afraid of her and what she might do to me. I have concerns and worries that she will gravely injure me and let me die so she can post a selfie.

I am an emotional wreak. I have been taking my meds sporadically. This stuff with my kid makes me upset, angry, disappointed, hurt, lonely and all the feels. I am upset that she feels this is ok behavior. I am angry that I didn't want to hurt her and just tried to keep her down and I got hurt.

I am disappointed in myself for not fighting back. It was just like the dreams I have of being in a fight and my punches seem to be hitting jello and never do the damage I am hoping will happen. I am disappointed that I could not be more rational and just Spock my way out of it.

I am hurt by my dad saying at my house that my daughter's behaviors were not changing and they were going to need to stop having her there, but after my daughter was in juvenile detention he changed it to she is all alone and we need to go see her as often as possible and bring her home. It brings up past hurts of me being in juvenile detention and NO ONE coming to visit me.

I am feeling lonely because I don't think anyone wants to hear my sob story. I am part of the special club of parents that don't make eye contact at court because you will have to acknowledge your kid is a screw up. I am lonely because Mage seems to think since my kid is not here he just gets to be here and plan a life without her, cause she was mean to me and hurt me. I am also lonely because I can't even have a conversation with my mom because my daughter is there and speaker phone needs to be used because the line sucks.

I am concerned about my other kids are being affected by my mental health state and being witnesses to this latest physical altercation. I understand that the best way to help the kids is to help myself. I think I need more intensive help than talk therapy. The next thing to deal with would be daycare so I can do DBT or EMDR.

I just want to hide and ignore this all. I think of running away often. I nervous laugh to myself about being 12-15 again and running away because I am mostly kidding but part of me makes a little plan of who would go where to be safe.

I think I might need heavier meds and will need to stop breastfeeding in order to have them. I really wish there was a way I could do the therapy stuff and not use meds as a crappy band-aid to deaden some feelings and make false happiness until I can make it.

I don't want to interact with my daughter until I feel safe. I can't guarantee that her being in therapy is enough for my safety. She wants me to believe she has changed but her behaviors say different.