Burning bridges

I made sure to torch the bridge with Mage. I didn't scorch it or just cause a light char. It appears to be completely burned to ash that is washing or has washed away in the emotional current.

On Thursday I sent Mage a message about the dentist appointment for our 3 year old and also shared a video of our daughter trying food for the first time. His response was just "thanks". Friday I had sent an email saying we need to split the phone bill, figure out what is going on with the Netflix and Amazon subscriptions, and figure out transportation for the boys weekends with him. He gave a response of go ahead and use Netflix and he didn't know what to do with the rest of it.

Early on Saturday morning he sent me two texts. The first saying "just don't message me anymore", The second was sent 3 hours later and said "Realizing this comes across as rude, am just saying it hurts too much right now".
I responded to the email asking how he wanted to be contacted about the children, their school and visit coordination. He said "don't". I am confused about how this next weekend will go since he does not want to have contact with me.

I am feeling pretty anxious. Not being in a relationship is foreign to me. I am feeling lost and alone. It is not helpful that my 15 year old keeps telling at me about everyone leaving me so they don't see me crash and burn. I don't know that everyone is leaving or stepping back since I haven't been close to most people in years, but her saying it helps fuel the feelings of being isolated.

I have not grieved for this loss. I have not grieved for many things lost during the relationship between Mage and I. Those things pop up once in awhile and I tamp them back down to deal with later.

I still have feelings of love for Mage. Those feelings have been overpowered by the feelings of frustration, betrayal and anger related to our relationship. I once described our relationship as "parasitic", that I was the host and he was the parasite. Even with Mage getting an awesome job, I still feel that way. I know I have lots of emotions to experience and address before I am ready to move forward.

Hopefully I can crash and not dream tonight. Crying while sleeping is painful.

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