It's just me

I was really frustrated with the world today. I had specifically said what i wanted help with to Mage if he came over. He asked if we could do the things this morning instead and have a lazy evening last night. The things still are not competed. I was trying to get myself, the baby, a 2 year old and a 9 year old ready. Mage played Diablo while I got everyone else ready. Diapers changed, sunscreen applied, dressed and shoes on. We left the house extra late to hit up the grocery store before the scout activity, that Mage didn't realize he was supposed to go to, and tried to find a picnic style food to bring. While at the grocery store Mage took the cart with the baby and the 2 year old but he told the 2 year old to go to me. Mage did not make sure the 2 year old made it to me and the 2 year old actually took off into the store alone. I had 10 minutes to get food together and get on the road to the scout activity.  Ended up wasting time having to locate the 2 year old. While at the...

Had a couple/family therapy session tonight. I realized some things I have been avoiding acknowledging for a very long time. I also realized that when I make myself emotionally vulnerable, my body decides it is a good time to stall out and become vulnerable to physical attacks. I realized that I have made choices that have kept me in this mire of depression and self-loathing. I knew I did it, but I verbally acknowledged it to other people. This was a huge thing in my thought process of how to get out of this deplorable funk. I know that if I start to address these choices and change my behavior, that I will lose the relationship that I have cultivated with the choices.  I know that I will need to reintroduce myself to the world and hope that the people that I have pushed away, choosing this relationship, are willing to give me another chance. I know that I, quite possibly, will need to meet new people to help create a network of support people. Looking at changing these things i...

Should you live your life feeling responsible for others happiness and well being? Do you need to inform the other parent of your child that you have moved on even more by having a child with someone else? Apparently being in your mid-30s means you need to have the constant reassurance that you are the center of some insignificant others world like a teenager.  It doesn't matter that you have 3 kids to think about or that you are in a new relationship.  It doesn't matter that you have not been with this person for 3+ years. All that matters is that the person make sure to inform you of all of their life decisions that don't involve you and let you vent about how that person screwed up your life by doing this. If someone has mental instability issues and always seem to be in constant crisis mode every time you speak to them, would you share something that may upset them? I don't know if I would.  I suppose it would depend on how much the information should directly i...

Starting breastfeeding is hard enough by itself, but having a household full of capable people who refuse to help with the mundane tasks of life makes it harder.  If someone is supposed to be helping you achieve the goal of making it past a few weeks of breastfeeding, because that is what had been decided by both of you, you'd think they would be more helpful with the other parts of keeping the household running.  Dishes are a great place to start.  Helping make sure there is food in the house for everyone, not just you, is another one.  Helping prepare food for the person breastfeeding would be another great place to put some effort in.  Making sure there are clean clothes for everyone is also very helpful.  I get so frustrated with the lack of help from the other capable adult in the house.  I should have seen this coming.  Hey I know you are working and that is great, but when I am responsible for everything else in the house while trying to d...

I feel like a failure each time I look at the clothes I have for the baby that won't fit for a long time.  I don't know what I did, if I did anything, that made him be so much smaller than expected.  The ultrasound at 35.5 weeks estimated him to be at 6 and 3/4 pounds, and I know that measurement can be off by up to a pound either way but I was not expecting a baby that weighed 7 lbs 8.6 oz at just over 40 weeks gestation.  I was expecting another close to 10 pounder.  I got clothes that would have fit his brother at birth and he swims in them.  I know he is healthy, has all his parts where they are supposed to be and is breastfeeding well.  I know I should be happy with that, but I just can't seem to get over the fact that he seems oh so tiny and it is somehow my fault.

I read a blog today about being treated rudely by customer service personnel because they are a female that has chosen to stay at home with their children.  This reminded me of how I get treated most times I go to an auto part store or junkyard to locate parts to fix a car. Since my mechanic father was lucky enough to be blessed with three daughters instead of sons, we all know the basics of car maintenance like tire rotations and oil changes. A couple of us were even ambitious enough to learn more involved car repairs like replacing the exhaust from the manifold back, and how to change brakes.  I have chosen to add more things to what I can do, just because I actually like the work, and still like learning about things. At the parts store I usually get the question of "Who is going to install this for you?", as if I am unable to install the parts myself.  Its even better when I have arrived covered in grease from the car with the part to be replaced in hand.  I...