Ever felt like a failure

I feel like a failure each time I look at the clothes I have for the baby that won't fit for a long time.  I don't know what I did, if I did anything, that made him be so much smaller than expected.  The ultrasound at 35.5 weeks estimated him to be at 6 and 3/4 pounds, and I know that measurement can be off by up to a pound either way but I was not expecting a baby that weighed 7 lbs 8.6 oz at just over 40 weeks gestation.  I was expecting another close to 10 pounder.  I got clothes that would have fit his brother at birth and he swims in them.  I know he is healthy, has all his parts where they are supposed to be and is breastfeeding well.  I know I should be happy with that, but I just can't seem to get over the fact that he seems oh so tiny and it is somehow my fault.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Out, out with it!

My tree has been murdered by cats and children. It's leg is broken and I am having a problem figuring out a solution for it to stay standing. My daughter, that choked me a year ago and recently punched me in the face and appears to have stabbed me with scissors, was released to my mom's house by the courts. I get to have supervised visits with her so we can continue family therapy and she can see her siblings. I am afraid of her and what she might do to me. I have concerns and worries that she will gravely injure me and let me die so she can post a selfie. I am an emotional wreak. I have been taking my meds sporadically. This stuff with my kid makes me upset, angry, disappointed, hurt, lonely and all the feels. I am upset that she feels this is ok behavior. I am angry that I didn't want to hurt her and just tried to keep her down and I got hurt. I am disappointed in myself for not fighting back. It was just like the dreams I have of being in a fight and my punches seem t...
Read more

Let me help you, NOT!

Starting breastfeeding is hard enough by itself, but having a household full of capable people who refuse to help with the mundane tasks of life makes it harder.  If someone is supposed to be helping you achieve the goal of making it past a few weeks of breastfeeding, because that is what had been decided by both of you, you'd think they would be more helpful with the other parts of keeping the household running.  Dishes are a great place to start.  Helping make sure there is food in the house for everyone, not just you, is another one.  Helping prepare food for the person breastfeeding would be another great place to put some effort in.  Making sure there are clean clothes for everyone is also very helpful.  I get so frustrated with the lack of help from the other capable adult in the house.  I should have seen this coming.  Hey I know you are working and that is great, but when I am responsible for everything else in the house while trying to d...
Read more

I'm sorry, sort of

Mage had an email conversation with me today. It started out innocent enough asking if his dad had seen the kids this weekend. His dad did see the kids and they all seemed to have had a good time. It got pretty serious real quick. I feel bad for being post of the source of this pain and sadness he is experiencing. Another part of me is "fuck him. Why do you care? He didn't give a shit when he left you virtually stranded and alone because 'it was his duty' to be with Drunky mcCrazypants". I told Mage that his kids are still looking for attention and love from their father. He said "their father is broken". I said I was sorry and I know how that feels. I was so emotionally destroyed and depressed that I hospitalized myself. Mage has apologized many times for me going to the hospital. He didn't care at the time though. I tried to talk to him about it at the time and got blown off. It was very hurtful and I still haven't fully dealt with all the hu...
Read more