Kick me in the shins why don't you

I started my day doing the Starfish/Wonder Woman pose to help my confidence for assessment testing for a job with the county. Even after the confidence boost, I still second and third guessed my responses. I left the assessment crossing my fingers that I did every thing correct.

I went to meet with my mom and we talked about the visit that happened over the weekend with my oldest child. My mom wondered why her behavior was the way it was. My daughter had been on her best behavior.

My daughter wanted to talk about her plan when she is done with treatment. My daughter has plans to get job applications on her next pass so she can get a job. She plans on coming home at the end of May. No one has talked with me about this date or if she is coming home or really anything. I am worried that nothing has changed and I will be stuck being afraid of being injured by my daughter. I sent an email to the family therapist we see through her program outlining my concerns and issues.

Lunch went well and nap time started out kind of rough. As I am laying the kids down for their nap the phone rings. It is the woman doing the assessment of Oliver for assistance services through school. He is on the Autism spectrum and qualifies for services. I will be getting a letter about the assessment and will be contacted to schedule a meeting to go over what this means and the services that are available.

I had to end the phone call before all my questions were asked, or even formed for that matter, because the kids bonked heads and started crying. I am having feelings of guilt for not noticing signs earlier. This is on top of the feelings of guilt about putting my daughter's things first to the detriment of the other children, myself and our family. I do not know how to work with this. I am also experiencing feelings of sadness and grief for the child  I don't know if I am missing.

I really wanted to end my day curled up in bed, under the blankets blocking out the world. That was not an option. Children needed food and attention. Jackson needed to go to his scout bucks auction because he had put in the time and effort to earn the scout bucks.

So I took Jackson to scouts. I interacted with others because it was expected. Jackson got the thing he wanted from the auction and even won the raffle at the end  for the really nice bow and arrow set. It helped end the evening on a better note.

I feel asleep about 10 and woke up at midnight. It is now 4:30 am and I think I am going to be able to sleep some more, just so I can pretend that life is not just throwing me curve balls and kicking me in the shins as I try to catch them.